Here’s where my mind has been for a while:
Homework, vocal chord nodules, papers, bank accounts, and earth: 1.
As I am writing this, I just thought of another thing I have to do for tomorrow that I had forgotten about until now, and I said to myself, where is this blog post going? I think the answer is that I don’t really know, so buckle up, kids.
Earlier this week, I had a day where I was done with my homework by the afternoon (which never EVER happens for me). I was thinking about working to get ahead on my homework for the rest of the week, but I started not feeling well, so I just decided to relax for a while. I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I cracked open my Bible without being at church or the Gathering or being asked to, so I flipped to where I left off in Jeremiah and started reading. Very quickly, I realized for what seemed like the millionth time lately that I’ve been doing something wrong. I’ve been working through Jeremiah since July, and trust me, the book isn’t THAT long. I pulled out my journal because I know that writing things down is the best way for me to process them, and I noticed that I hadn’t written in it since September. And a lot of things have happened since September.
I quickly became overwhelmed with just the thought of the cycle in which I’ve gotten myself stuck. Homework is done, almost always, at the very last minute before class. Most of my events, meetings, and commitments are attended out of a sense of obligation and responsibility, and not with a desire to do these things I used to so enjoy. Because of the fragility of my voice, I have become timid in both speaking and singing, and even though I’m finally getting healthier, I don’t know how to use my voice anymore. I am graduating in two years and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. All the things that I could possibly think of that weren’t ideal came flooding into my mind. And while some of these were trivial and I made them issues because I was looking for things to add to my list of struggles in the moment, I became overwhelmed with the fact that I’ve thrust myself so fully into so many things that I literally haven’t stopped in months.
Newsflash, everyone: That’s not healthy.
If you read my blog regularly, you might remember that I wrote a blog post a couple of weeks ago about finally letting God have my attention, and in the moment, I thought that I was definitely going to follow through on that, but I didn’t. I kept trying to move at a pace that I don’t even think is possible and left no room for myself or for time with God. This has left me sprinting through all aspects of my life without stopping to process anything or enjoy college or do anything fun without having “you should be writing a paper/doing homework/planning an event for your residents/practicing for choir and voice lessons/reading ahead/other ridiculous things” in the back of my mind. The guilt complex was speaking loudly, friends.
But then, the next day after I realized all these things, I talked to my parents and my boyfriend, who all pointed me to Jesus and spoke a lot of truth to me. As I was letting myself try, often unsuccessfully, to move so quickly, I was ignoring what God was trying to say to me and neglecting myself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I had to come to a point where I just needed to stop. The problem was, once I stopped for even an hour, I wanted to just stop altogether, at least for the time being. To be honest, doing homework and going to class this week has not been easy, but I’ve been doing it because I know that God put me in this place for a reason, and there are so many people in the world who would do anything to have a chance to have an education like the one that Hope offers.
I’m still in the process of sorting things out, processing, and figuring out how I am going to change things, but I know that God isn’t finished with me yet. He has overcome this world and I am more than a conqueror through him. He has placed me here now because I need to be in this place in this season for reasons that he knows far better than I. No matter what I feel about myself and my stress and my shortcomings and successes on a daily basis, that’s the truth. I am a daughter of the King and his plans for me exceed what I understand. I just have to stop and listen.
“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.”
– Romans 8:37