Kissed Goodbye My Inner-Lena Dunham

Leandra Medine. The voice, the human, the spirit animal that makes my commute more bearable everyday. She doesn’t know who I am, and good god even I don’t know who I am, but I think she is another version of me with better taste and skinnier legs… And an incredible life with clothes where a $150 dress is considered as a steal while to me that’s a month of utilities and two weeks of groceries but that’s nothing… Right?

So it is like I’m a plain, glazed donut while she is chestnut glazed donut with sprinkles from Doughnut Vault. My Chicago fellas, you know what I’m talking about right? Ha? Ha? No? Oh okay.

Going off of that analogy, I’d like it to be known that today is my second day of pastry-free diet and I already grabbed my phone twice to call my best friend to cry for a cupcake. Probably some of you are already inclined to close this window thinking, “ugh another girl giving into the bikini season scare” but HOLD ON FOR A SEC. This isn’t about bikinis my friends; this wasn’t a decision that roots back to my self-conscious nature. More than anything, this is about rejecting the new phenomenon “imperfect is the new perfect.”

So, all these years, there has been an evolving understanding about how perfect humans, the ones who “have it all”, are irrelevant to any progressive conversation because they just “want to comfort the societal norms by trying so hard”. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I was one of those people who kind of dismissed the Gwyneth Paltrow-y kind of people simply because they seemed so plastic, aka unrealistically good at this thing called “life”. Again,I am embarrassed.

So after two months into my D.C. experience, I realized that I can’t keep thinking those people aren’t real because as the matter of fact, they are real and technically speaking they run the world as they dominate Washington, D.C., the world’s capital.

So plot twist, I have decided to actually do something about this. My change started with more on the emotional side where I stopped being so feeling-repellent. Believe it or not, the stuff you see in the movies, you know the girl who is clumsy, skinny, cute but emotionally unavailable because of a tough break up? That girl doesn’t exist. I mean, yes she can exist, but in all reality she is just missing out on life and not giving herself what she deserves or basically needs. So I ask you, HOW CAN SELF-DESTRUCTION BE CUTE???

Leandra Medine, my guilty* woman crush, kind of plays with that idea in her podcast about self-sabotage. She even talks about the constant influx in a cycle and not moving any further because there is a certain comfort in being in the same area but also the pretentious movement which makes you think that you are on your way to somewhere.

This is true. Every time I find myself in a good situation, I psych myself out of it probably by the evil powers of my subconscious which signals my brain, “this is too good to be true, it is going to fall apart and you will lose control.” So, I deconstruct everything with my own hands because then I don’t have to feel like I am not in charge. So it is almost like I am thinking to myself, “if I am not trying, how can I fail?”

So when I find myself close to the bottom again, I pick everything up start eating right, doing yoga, going to bed early, emotionally and physically making myself more available… Until my next freak out.

As an outsider, you wouldn’t even notice the difference. There are certain areas that do not get effected by this constant change and that includes my work. However, more people sensitive stuff like relationships and etc. my suffer from my hamster wheel syndrome.

So this so-to-speak self-acceptance, which is supposed to enhance your life, becomes this crippling self-destructive thing which doesn’t let you grow as a person.

Ugh. I know. I just said that and I hate myself as much as you hate me right now, but given my point, it iiiiiiiiiissss trrrruuuuueeeee!

So this is my attempt of being perfectly honest with myself and reminding you all dear readers that you shouldn’t shame yourself for trying, striving and possibly failing. It’s fine. I’m not saying it’s perfectly okay to be a hot mess and lead the life of Hannah from Girls just because you know you can get away with it.

I mean, I could get away with eating 3 donuts a day and still somehow fit in my pants (that’s how I measure “getting away”) but that doesn’t mean I will continue doing it since I know it is harmful to my body.

Get it? Okay cool.

*guilty, because almost all of my other crushes are journalists and political beings.

Published by Idil Ozer

Senior at Hope. International Studies major, Political Science minor. The Anchor, World News Co-editor. Blogger for the Odyssey and Thought Catalog. Feeds on news, politics and donuts.

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