I will leave and it will hurt. In a sense; it is like getting your gallbladder removed, you know it has to go, doctors are convinced that if it doesn’t, that tiny thing will kill you which is basically a metaphor for that famous “what if”. So you get it removed, and solely because it was a part of you, it just upsets you to leave what’s yours in a cold tin cup with a bunch of strangers but hey, you had to get it removed, remember? The post-surgery pain is the worst; you ask yourself if it was absolutely necessary as you are looking for pain meds in your small drawer. Then you surrender to the ache and sleep it off; when you wake up, you see a nurse removing your pads.
Simple as that, you are healthier than ever.
This is what it feels like to know that I will not be anywhere here next year today. I nested here and somewhat grew roots. It just hit me yesterday that it won’t be the same again; I was Skyping my parents and they asked me when I want the office clothes to get shipped. All those size 2-4 pant- suits, pencil skirts, fancy shirts, only- dry cleaning blazers…
This morning, I woke up with post-surgery pain with signs of infection, which was implying that the pain, ache, sorrow were not going to go away any time soon. Soon I fell back asleep and woke up to a nurse who was applying antibiotic cream gently on the incision as she was telling me that I can go home whenever I want. Wait, what? Just two hours ago, my brain was numb from the pain?
Just as I was reconsidering my life decisions, I got a call from a coordinator -my personal nurse in this situation- at United Nations Democracy Fund. We talked for a little over 30 minutes to revise my options and possibilities in UN and other platforms like Middle East Policy Institute. I told her about what I will to be doing at DC, like interning at an organization for credit as I am taking classes like Senior Seminar and Media Politics. She mentioned that becoming an intern for a project like #HeforShe can be easier plus possibly be more fun. Many organization names were mentioned during the talk and at the end, she ended the conversation saying “I will email you within the week. Please contact me if you have any further questions.”
Sometimes it feels like I am only going backwards. I panic when I get blinded by my soft side, which immediately leads me to worrying whether I made the right decision or not. Let me tell you, worry is a bully and it will not let go of you until you graduate from the school of life. Bear with it, it will make you a stronger person.
Oh and don’t forget that not every organ is meant to stay.