Donald Miller: Integrity in Relationships

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“She said when animals feel threatened they make themselves feel bigger” (p. 31).

“Interesting, he said, it wasn’t the rich who separated from the poor, but the opposite.  He said people who didn’t feel like they accomplished much felt insecure around those who had” (p. 32).

“I began to wonder what life would be like if I dropped the act and began to trust that being myself would be enough to get the love I needed” (p. 35).

“What else keeps us from living a better story than fear?” (p. 41).

“…[Those] of us who are never satisfied with our accomplishments secretly believe nobody will love us unless we’re perfect” (p. 44).

“We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are.  Grace only sticks to our imperfections” (p. 45).

“[Does distrust bring out the worst in us?]….I wonder about my own heart.  Am I willing to be hurt occasionally and turn the other cheek in order to have a long-term, healthy relationship?” (p. 48).

“God is going to reveal me as a flawed human being as fast as he can and he’s going to enjoy it because it will force me to grapple with real intimacy” (p. 56).

“All writing is a subtle form of manipulation, not always malicious, but usually designed to do two things: (1) communicate an idea and (2) make the writer sound intelligent” (p. 58).

“It costs personal fear to be authentic bu the reward is integrity, and by that I mean a soul fully integrated, no difference between his act and his actual person” (p. 65).

“Almost without exception the most beautiful, selfless people I’ve met are the ones who’ve experienced personal tragedy” (p. 70).

“When there are lies in a relationship, it’s not like you are actually connecting” (p. 71).

“It’s true that the manipulator is the loneliest person in the world.  And the second loneliest is the person being manipulated” (p. 74).

“…90 percent of people’s problems could be prevented if they’d choose healthier people to give their hearts to” (p. 76).

“I’d be lying if I said our relationship was as exciting as unhealthy relationships I’d been in the past.  But I’d lost the taste for drama” (p. 78).

“Change only comes when we face the difficulty of reality head-on” (p. 87).

“God didn’t give us crying, pooping children because he wants us to advance our careers  He gives them to us for the same reason he confused language at the Tower of Babel, to create chaos and deter us from investing too much energy in the gluttonous idols of self-absorption” (p. 90).

“…[The] root of sin is the desire for control….And…the root of control is fear” (p. 90).

“Controlling people are the loneliest people in the world.  Some people play out their controlling tendencies through intimidation or bullying….Not even God controls people’s stories and he’s the only one who actually can” (p. 91).

“You can’t control someone and have intimacy with them at the same time” (p. 95).

“…[Wherever] there’s lots of drama there’s often manipulation” (p. 101).

“Control is about fear.  Intimacy is about risk” (p. 106).

“False victims are, themselves, passive oppressors.  They seek control by making you feel guilty about what you’ve done.  They don’t want to reconcile, they want control” (p. 111).

“The way manipulative people train others is by attacking their identity” (p. 120).

“I believe God is a fan of people and I think the enemy of God is a fan of people breaking off into paranoid tribes….I think a lot of the shame-based religious and political methodology has more to do with keeping people contained than with setting them free” (p. 124).

“If our identity gets broken, it affects our ability to connect” (p. 129).

“We don’t have to be either conservative or liberal or religious or atheist or divided into this or that categories.  We can be ourselves, a conglomerate of nuanced beliefs and opinions” (p. 134).

“Is there anything more toxic than the fear of being judged?  Judgment shuts us down and makes us hide.  It keeps us from being ourselves, which keeps us from connecting with other people” (p. 143).

“The greatest leaders, the ones who impact the world the most, are somehow able to turn the other cheek.  It’s as though they believe so solidly in love, so robustly in forgiveness, they have the ability to forgive and even love those who attack them” (p. 147).

“If a man has no sense of meaning, argued Frankl, he will numb himself with pleasure….His prescription to experience a deep sense of meaning was remarkably pragmatic.  He had three recommendations: 1. Have a project to work on…that serves other people. 2. Have a redemptive perspective on life’s challenges….3. Share your life with a person or people who love you unconditionally” (p. 183).

“I no longer believe love works like a fairy tale but like farming.  Most of it is just getting up early and tilling the soil and then praying for rain” (p. 223).


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